Do i wanna live with regret?

Facts Vs Nothing Against

2009-09-30T01:13:00.002+08:00

Till now, i'm still unsure of how should i start writing about today. It makes me really wonder, why my sms always doesn't get thru to her? Is it because it was a lot later when she managed to receive it, or because she simple didn't wanna read it first if it was from me. I don't know. She didn't wanna say anything. Or rather, she chose the former.

Thought that today should go by quite nicely, as afternoon still talked to her. Well, she said she was gonna study today, so i didn't sms her much. Was surprise when i saw her online around 12am. Asked her how's the studying. She didn't wanna talk to me about it. I really wanna know, why is it that she can tell others, but not me? I actually felt very baffled by what she said. Sometimes, the words she said, it really makes me feel that she's really really trying very very hard to sound matured, or rather as an adult, cause she's over 21 years old, and she always claim that after lotsa thinking, she now can "think". Lol. Really LOL!!!

Ok, back to the point of the unhappiness. She said "She didn't give me a death penalty and she got nothing against me." and followed by "It's a fact (that i can't understand her)."

And she's angry that i pointed out that she's using the so-called "facts" against me. If she keep on holding to the "facts" that i can't seem to understand her, then this is the thing that she is holding against me. Unless she is willing to think "ok, maybe i can try talking and telling him things. See if there's any different in reaction", then YES, she then doesn't have anything against me. Why is this so? Because, no doubt, this is the "facts" that she's holding on to, BUT she's not using this "facts" factor to stop her from trying to see if i can understand her. This then is considered "Nothing Against Me", because then this is truly nothing. Unless, there's other factor, then we can talk about it till the cow comes home. But no point.

Ok, so, i guess. Next time the best is stop asking her about ANY of her problems. Because, anyway, she won't talk about it to ME. Then, i foresee another problem here. What is it? Lol. She will come out with I'm not sensitive towards her problems, because i DON'T ask. I don't care about her.

Now let me ask you. What you expect me to do? Ask and won't get any answer. Don't ask and i'm not in the least bit sensitive to her. So, tell me. What can i do?

To school and back

2009-09-29T14:32:00.002+08:00

In the morning, had intended to go and look for her, after my interview. Was told she's going school soon. Yah. Drop the intention. This was around 11+am. Guess what? After my swimming, and lunch, around 3+pm, she's still home, just finished her lunch. So much for going school soon. Don't know if i'm being too sensitive or what. But if she's not comfortable in letting me go find her, why did she said she's going to school, but few hours later, still let me know she's at home?

Well, at least when i told her that i accompany her to school, there's no rejection. Nothing much worth to write about during the journey, except during the bus trip to the school. Bus was packed. Standing very close to each other and it was fun. We joked around and doesn't feel so much like "strangers". Lol.

Was feeling quite bored after she went into her class. Thinking, might as well stay and read my book since i'm already at the school. Just another 2 1/2 hours to go only (after dinner time. Haha). Well, guess what she sms me after she got home? "Next time don't wait for her, if not she don't even want me to accompany her to school already." OK. Now, can't stay in school to read books and wait for her. Followed by, can't accompany her to school. Then followed by maybe can't even go her place to find her. Can't go and look for her for lunch. Slowly, but sure. It will come to a junction where, "Don't even call/sms me?"........ Yes? No? Or is there other reasons? She said i didn't understand her previously. But she can't expect, for all things, one or two sentences and it's expected of me to understand the underlying meanings that she's carrying.

In fact, today with her was quite ok. As in, there's not much annoyance from her. Rather, there was some playfulness that was so familiar previously. Maybe previously, i might have feel that "woah", nice feeling, but now, i'm beginning not to have so many fantasies of good feelings anymore. As in, not every good feelings mean that chances of getting back is greater. To me, if she don't mind to treat me as a 1/2 past 6 boyfriend, as in sometimes hold her waist, shoulders, etc. That's good. Don't think there'll really gonna be any real hugs, kiss, or even holding hands etc. Just like having a "boyfriend", but without the commitment, someone there for her when she needed, someone to make her feel loved, etc. Best thing is, maybe it's not from only 1 person, which makes it all the more better. A choices of how she wanted to feel at that particular time?? I really don't think she'll allow other guys to hug or kiss or .... with her, if they are not her boyfriend. But, really, I'm not too sure about the holding hands, waist, shoulders, etc. I don't know why. Maybe i'm too sensitive? But it's difficult not to when she's communicating lesser to you than to her other guy friends. Told me not to wait for her for her lesson to end, but will she reject other friend if they wanted to "study" with her in between her lessons? Hmm......

Yah, we talked on the phone. You may think, "Yeah, not bad. That's talking there what." But it's talking without emotions. Talking without the mood. "Hey, com'on. You're asking for too much, man. Said there's no talking, now there's talking and you're still complaining?" I know i know. Talking is good. Am i asking for too much? Maybe. If there's no joy, in the conversation, towards the person you are talking to, is it still consider communication?

Physically tiring day.

2009-09-28T01:17:00.003+08:00

While having lunch today, sms her again, as from yesterday till today, there's no reply sms from her. Wondering if she just didn't wanna reply or maybe she missed it. Thought of calling her and see if there's anything wrong. On second thoughts, better not first. It seems the situation is not improving at all.

Went to get myself a pair of swimming trunk. Seems like ages ago that i had been for a swim. The new trunk seems a bit tight, lol. Hmm....walking to the swimming complex does not really seem that far. Maybe i'm in the mood today. Surprised me that Sunday afternoon, not a lot of people at the pool. Oh mine. I really gotta build up a bit more stamina. I think i just swam 1/3 of the length and i was like, panting and panting. Yah, maybe i didn't smoke today as well. Felt so lethargic. Weather very good today. Hot, that is. The water felt just so nice.

Swam for nearly 2 hrs. Fingers are like "crumpled". haha. Well, time for a jog. I must be mad. Jog around the park behind my block, for just ONE round. Damn it. I'm so tired and knees felt so spongy. And lungs felt so compressed. Dying dying gone.

Reached home still gotta mop the floor. This is torturing. Well, since today in the mood, why not just do it.

Was surprised that she sms in the night and apologise for being busy. Why why why? Should had bought 4D today. Maybe it will just came in some prize. Lol. Anyway, maybe she's in the mood today as well, cause she called me. Ok, i lose. It was only 2 days, not the at least 7 days which i had expected, but hope it won't happen. We talked for more than an hour. Can you imagined that? Somehow i still get the feeling that she's not really that happy in talking to me. Well, not in being unhappy, but not as happy as (long) before. Gotta be careful talking to her. Really like a landmine. Must reply at the correct time. Must have reaction at the correct time. Must say the correct things (that she wanna hear) at the correct time. Must understand all that she said. I don't know. This is just like planning strategy, fighting a war. Mentally tiring. But i won't give up. I really do not want to live with a regret. Not till i feel that i had really given my all.

Nothing at all

2009-09-27T02:56:00.002+08:00

Today marks the second day without calling. Or should i say, without any form of communication at all. A sms in the afternoon and a sms at night yield no reply of whatever sort. Guess this is the sort of "remaining friends" she's talking about.

Maybe she's tired after 2 full days of lessons and work today. But so tired till can't reply anything, but can log into her msn? This is really something that baffles me. I'm beginning to feel that she's really trying hard not to have anything to do with me anymore. I mean, even as a friend, there's still the courtesy of a reply sms. But towards me, it's just nil, nothing.

There's really so many things i want to put down here. But can't really put it into words. Tired. Sad. Exhausted. Exasperated.

My fault again???

2009-09-26T00:38:00.003+08:00

Well, this is the second day without calling. But really, i don't want her to call today as well. I know today she's really tired. Yesterday full day, last night sleep so late, today woke up early, reached home, the day is nearly gone too. So....i declare, today is not counted. Haha.

As last night slept quite late... around 4am, today also got up quite late, around 10am. Walao, what you expect? Late sleep of cause late wake up! Lol.

Actually i think last night after i dropped her off, we talked on the phone for about 2 hrs. Sort of "discussing", the differences that led to our separation. Well, it makes me shiver, just to think about last night.

Went to her place to get some of my certificates scanned. Called her before i went up. Press her door bell once. Ding dong. About 30 seconds later, she opened the door. First sentence.."You press once only? What if i didn't hear and you just wait here?" I'm soooo gonna burst out of my skin. Of course, I will press again if i waited for like 1 or 2 mins LAH. Some allowance, in case busy in toilet or anything. Think i goondoo ah!!! But no. I didn't say anything. Just smile. Well, if you want to control your temper, for every unhappiness, smile first. Yeah. Back tracked a bit. If i were to press a couple more times, i guess, she might just say"Why you press so many times? Think i cannot hear?" Gotta live with every little step is a landmine.

Finished doing what i was there for (no man, don't get it wrong. Just did my scanning of certificates. Now is not the past. Won't wanna be charge molest for no reason. Lol). Time for her to go school too. On the bus, we were just talking and suddenly she said "should have make the resolution of the scanning lesser, then maybe easier to send via email." To which i replied, "Well, i told u no need to be that good in the quality already. As long as can see, it's good enough". Guess what??? She got angry and said back "So now, you blaming me already lah." Oh my *&%$#. I was just trying to let her know that i do not need such high quality scanned documents and now she's blaming me that she did the high quality scan??? I can back down and apologise for it, but surprising, i didn't. Instead, i sort of told her off. I knew this will jeopardized the relationship between us more, but i would rather let her understand that although i may always give in to her nowadays, but don't take it for granted. Flaring up over nothing, is something i won't give in too.

Got off the bus and she called me to return the bag which i'm helping her to carry, back to her. Took the back and just walked very fast to the train station. I didn't try to pacify her nor try to catch up with her. Just walked my normal speed, top up my card and go on my own way. Maybe i didn't tell her, but i wanted her to know that sometimes unreasonable attitudes and actions or emotions are not going to get her her way. She can be angry with me for all i care. Cause i know if she carried on this attitude, sooner or later, she's gonna be the reflection of me previously.

Today she's having night lessons. Smsed her when her lesson finished, asking her to inform me (if she don't mind) when she's home. As by the time she's home, it's fairly late. No doubt, i'm hoping that she will at at least sms me when she's home, but i think that she may still be sore about afternoon's incident and just ignored it. Thus i didn't even bother to bring my phone along when i brought my dog for a walk. Surprised surprised. She did sms me. First time, i didn't know as i wasn't home. Second sms was just a "Good Night". Well, good enough. So, me too, sms her back "Good Night".

How will this going to fold in the future? I don't know. I understand that it's really tough and tiring for her right now. Working part time on her off days. Needa really study hard for the other days. The only real quality time with her family is only on Sunday. No wonder, the easiest thing to let go, of course is me. Lol. But, yah, it's a "no choice" type of choice. Or maybe, there's really no feelings left for me? Or maybe, as what she said, if she's still with me, she will feel obligated towards me, but she really can't afford more time out already. For me to choose, definitely i will choose the latter.

It's official.....

2009-09-25T03:13:00.006+08:00

It's official. I guess she's really determined to make it "u" and "me". Sad. And hard. Or should i say, extreme "sad" and extreme "hard". Talked about hope can be friends, etc. But really, do u think it's really possible? Why did i asked this question? Well, had asked her if she had been in contact with any of her ex-boyfriend, and guess the answer? Lol, you are right. It's "NO". So, what makes you think that i can be the special one?

I had actually harbour some hope when i sent her home and chatting in the car. It was so reminiscence of the old times. But, as the sayings goes, "calmness before the storm". I guess she had already intended to make things very clear cut. It's just me. I can't let go.

Sorry, I really do not know how to carry on this. Well, maybe i really do not know what else can i say. 2 years is not a long time. I'm definitely prepared to wait. But is she, as what she had so strongly said, that she will not go into any other relationship within this period of time? I don't know. Feelings is something that you can't really put a definitive on it.

I don't know what feelings am i having now. Maybe i am really beginning to gradually accept it. But fully? No, man. Zzzzzzz.........lol. Don't know what else can i write. Ok, let you know again tomorrow. See when it really hits, how do i feel then.

Well, let's see this time how many days she will not be calling. I'll make a bet with you. I guess, at least 7 days.

Happiest day for the pass 6 weeks

2009-09-24T02:00:00.004+08:00

Wondering if the title should be right. Early in the morning, after i sms her greetings, what i got in return was her annoyance. Didn't know how i should feel then. But at least, she's starting to tell me more of how she felt, like it wasn't the greetings that annoyed her, but the "smiley" thingy. OK. I don't know why. But i felt my whole body was in freezing mode. My heart literally went into coldness. I was just shivering there. It was a very very bad feeling.

Decided to meet her after my job end. Was glad that she seem ok in meeting me. Waited for close to an hour. In fact, i think, if it was a couple of months back, i might have been quite angry about waiting. But this time round, i wasn't. The feeling of waiting was quite neutral. Have i changed? I don't know. I really hope i had changed. Changed into knowing that when she's late coming out of work is because there's unfinished business, not because she dilly-dallied.

While walking to the train station, we had quite a fair bit of talking. There were laughters. Real laughters. Today's train was quite packed with commuters initially. It gave me a chance to stand very near her. As near as when we were a real couple. She was nearly leaning onto me while she was reading her book. I really had thought of just putting my hand on her shoulder or waist or anywhere on her, but i didn't do it. I was really afraid that she might just moved away. Towards the middle of the journey, she got a seat. I don't know if it's because i stand too near her or she sits nearer to the edge, even when one was standing, one was sitting, it didn't seem like there's a distance between us at all. On one occasion, our faces were just slightly more than a palm's length away only.

After getting off the train station, she said wanted to buy some bread at 7-eleven. I knew that breads are sold at same prices irregardless of where, as it's regulated by the bread company. But i just tricked her into going NTUC fairprice to buy the bread. I just wanted to spend 15 minutes more with her. Walking into the shopping centre, we were "arguing" (well, not the real thing, lol) about the prices of the bread. Lol. I forgot what we were talking about that led me to holding her arm. Yes, arm. Shit! Why arm only. I wanted to just slide down and try holding her hand, but i don't know how will she react. To me, she's still my girlfriend, the one i still love very much. To her, i may just be an ex-boyfriend. Will she allow an ex-boyfriend to hold her hand? I don't know. Has she ever allowed that before? I don't know too. There's just lots of uncertainties that i'm facing, that i do not want to take chance. Or rather, i do not want myself to think that she will allow her ex-boyfriend to hold her hand. I believe she's not these kind of girl, and that is also why I don't dare to try.

Frankly speaking, i was extremely hungry after buying the bread. Walked pass jollybean and saw "wholemeal cheese taro". Was thinking "hmm.... seems not bad". Just made a small comment that it might taste good. Sensing that i want to eat, she said will buy it for me even when i said it's ok, i don't want. It just....seems like the old her. Back to her old self, where she will care so much about me. I was very touch and surprised by her reaction. I really don't anticipate this coming.

I don't know why, but i just sms her "Thank you", after i board the bus. I really wanna thank her for being happy and being concern about my hungryness. Thank her for talking to me, without any hint of hatred, without any hint of thinking he things i said will be against her. Really "Thank You".

11.15pm. Another surprise. Guess what? She called. She really did call. This time, it was only 2 days without calling me and on the 3rd day, today, she called. Throughtout the 1/2hr that we talked, there were nothing that made her unhappy about. Is there really nothing that made her unhappy in our conversation? I don't know, again, and i don't care also. Lol. All i care about now is that we are able to carry on our conversation nicely. At the end, she still said "Good night" to me. Oh God! I gotta go back and thank Mother Mary, Our Lady of Fatimah, soon. Maybe, just maybe, as what Beatles sang "When i find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me.".

I really hope the things that happen tonight is the starting, and not by accident. I just finished watching the rest of "Fated to Love You". I think the main character "Ji Chunxi" really taught me a lot towards the end on how to treat his partner if he really loves the person. Whenever "Xinyi" feels sad about something, he will empathize with her and tell her things that made her worries doesn't seem so important anymore.

I hope, i can have a second chance to treat her good. To show that i really care about her. To show i have changed. Just like what "Xinyi" gave "Chunxi".

2nd day without calling

2009-09-23T03:51:00.002+08:00

Well, i guess it has been reset again. This is the 2nd day without any call from her.

I really don't know what does she wants from me. She didn't like it when i go and find her for lunch daily, but today when i said that i'm not going to find her for lunch, she seem angry. Said this week we will not be meeting.

After cleaning a bit of the house, i went to find my uncle. With nowhere to go, I decided to catch a movie. It has been a long time i watched a movie alone. Guess, it will become a regularity soon. Lol.

I just felt that she's been trying very hard to keep a clear distance from me. Anything that is associate with us, she's trying to make it into "you" and "me". I really do not know why the relationship had to become this way. Maybe her previous boyfriends were in the same situation as me? I don't know.

I just hope she can really tell me what's the problems between us clearly. At least, i'm able to know why it has had to become this way.

Starting of "no call" again???

2009-09-22T00:18:00.003+08:00

Just as i had suspected. Today will be the starting of "no call" again. Was just hoping that maybe even just 10mins will be good. But, no.

Actually, I don't know if i should be happy today. I met her. But the situation and the conversations prelude the meeting, i'm not really sure if it's a good meeting. I think, she had no intention of meeting me in the 1st place. It really wasn't until i had said something like "is it everything i do also not good enough?", before she wanted to meet me. Under this circumstances, i didn't wanna let her know where i was going. She said i still did not understand her. How the hell am i going to understand her, even if i'm really trying very hard, if she doesn't want to??? It wasn't after she wrote on msn that "i want to.....see/meet u", then i told her my location. But i still do not know if it's because she really wanted to see me, or because of the sentence i just told her. Is it because she felt she got the obligation to meet me cause i had been there for a few hours? Or is it that she felt happy to see me too, but just won't show it? I don't know. Much as i wanted to really know her more, she seem to keep me away more.

The meeting was quite ok. We went for branch, yeah should be the correct word to use as it's around 4pm. We did talk, and i was happy. But i really don't know about her. Walked to "Shop N Save" near her place, as her mum wanted her to buy some vegetables. During the whole journey from her house to the supermarket, back to her house, my hand brushed hers a couple of times. I really wanted to try holding, but i know, she will definitely move away.

Night came. I was smsing her while walking money. I believe, if i didn't start the sms, she will not sms me. Realize that her name in my contact list had changed to "her name". I was disappointed when i saw that. Had wanted to asked her is it really a must to make everything so clear cut, even the name in the contact list, you need to change? But no. I didn't do that. Not worth it. So just asked normally, did she changed the name. Replied "No. Never". I admit, i did not really believe it as the name won't changed by itself. So i just replied that the phone won't be so intelligent enough to change by itself. I don't know why she seem so agitated and said why i don't believe that she didn't change it. Immediately, she said that she's tired, wanna sleep. Ok, i believed that she's tired, but i also think that there's just an element of unhappiness and she didn't wanna carry on the conversation. Nonetheless, i told myself, maybe there's just some misunderstanding somewhere. If she said she didn't change the name, then ok, I'll just change it back.

Everyday i'm thinking the same thing. She said i didn't understand her, always only thinking of what i think she's thinking and always wanted her to do what i think only. But has she try to let me know what she's thinking? Has she tried to allow me to understand her?

13 days without calling and ....

2009-09-21T00:31:00.005+08:00

Today is the 13th day that i didn't receive a call from her. Seriously, I wasn't expecting her to call me. Had 2 phones. One had a softer ring (which was loud previously till she complaint about it), a samsung. The other originally louder, a nokia. Didn't know she had called me twice on the samsung. Heard the nokia rang, saw the caller is "Darling Girlgirl", picked up happily. The next thing i heard is "Oh, so you are ok. Ok, bye bye". Tried to ask her what's wrong and apologise for not hearing the samsung rang, but was met with a disengaged tone.

Called her back immediately. Apologised again and when i asked her "Why?". Guess what was the reply? "Oh, nothing. Cause you didn't sms or called me the whole day, I was just checking if you had died". Yah. Can you imagine this. She's asking me, if I had died. I don't really know how should i feel about this sentence. I'm really really hurt by this sentence. Even towards a normal friend, or even towards those whom you do not have good impression of, you will not say that!!!

I really felt like shouting back at her. Really felt like, just fuck it, end it once and for all. But no. I didn't choose the "angry" way. Rather, i calmed myself down and tried explaining to her and letting her understand that this isn't the way to talk. I promised her that i will change my temper and i'm glad i at least managed to do it now.

I really do not know what caused the full drastic change in her attitude towards me. I know i have not been treating her as good as she wants previously. I did not celebrate her birthday with her last year. I know that there are many occassion that i did not consider her feelings. This i really regretted.

Now, everything that i said, seems to be a negative thing to her. Everything that i do, seems to be a disgusting thing to her. I hope i can know what's wrong and what changes her, but she will never confide in me. Rather she will confide in other people. Whatever things she had expected previously, she didn't let me know, but rather let others know about it. If she had told me what she wants, i believe things might had just take a different turn.

I was actually quite surprised with myself for being able to stay so calm after my conversation with her. Maybe it's because i had promised myself that i will try my very best to let the relationship becomes as good as previously. Maybe because I promised myself that I do not want to live with a regret. As long as I had tried to the best that I can, and if i still fail, then at least the only consolation i can tell myself is that "I will not regret that I couldn't hold on to this relationship, as i had tried to my very best."

I'm already trying my very best to change. All i'm asking for is just one chance.